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  Dedicated to Carol with Love!
     
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A few of the Poems I wrote for Carol are after this short story of our Marriage.

UPDATES are after the story...Oldest to newest going down!

This Page is Dedicated to a very Special Lady in my Life my ex-wife/still Best Friend Carol! I met Carol at the young age of 14 and we fell in Love! I turned 18 in June of 1979 and on October 19th 1979 we exchanged our wedding vows. We had tried from the age of 22 until I was 34 to have a child. We finally realized that it would never happen and I think it was bothering the both of us. In Febuary of 1995 I was beat half to death in a robbery. Then in August of 95' my Mom suddenly passed away of an aneurism. Then in January of 1996 our house burned down with no insurance.Not knowing at the time I was grieving over my Mothers death and trying to hide my anger at the world for what I had been through I turned to drugs and stayed on them for a few years until Carol couldn't take it anymore.When I was 35 (in March of 1996)Carol got pregnant with our daughter Angela. I was still on drugs grieving over my Mom that died 8 months earlier(unknowing at the time that's what was why I turned to drugs).I now have a new stress in my life so I continue doing drugs like an idiot the whole time she was pregnant without her knowing about it.In January of 1997 Carol give birth to Our Beautiful daughter but I continued doing drugs and when Angela was about 6 months old Carol finally found out about my drug habit which was pretty bad by then. She watched as I continued my self destruction until Angela was 8 months old then she left me. Now I really had a good reason for being an idiot on drugs...NOT!(atleast my self pity made me think so) I knew I needed to clean myself up but by this time the drugs had gotten the best of me. My family finally got tired of seeing me high all the time and took me to rehab where I spent 31 days and that's when I started writing poetry. I get out and take a limo home because I was really proud of myself for being clean again.I get home from there and three days later Carol tells me that she does'nt Love me anymore. Well that was all I needed to go get high again and stay high for another year or so. Then I got tired of what I was doing to Myself and Family and went back to rehab. This time I stayed clean so when Angela was 2 1/2 y/o I told Carol to either come home or I'd divorce her.(i was just trying to scare her back home). About 2 weeks later I get served with divorce papers and I was upset. Now in 20 years of marriage the both of us could only remember ever argueing 2 or 3 times(that's how much we really Loved each other). When those papers came I went off on her and it scared her as she had never seen me so mad in the 24 years of knowing me and she feared for her's and the babies safety so she got a restraining order against me.(our 3rd fight in 24 years and never or will I ever lay a hand on her). Finally she divorces me but we remain really good friends going on vacation to the gulf coast two years in a row together.We knew we still Loved each other but was enjoying our freedom and she asked me to get back with her on several occasions but I was hard headed and was holding out for an apology for her breaking our marriage vows and divorcing me.(i don't believe in divorces because True Love should conquer all). Then there was a few times I wanted her back and she'd be hard headed so we just remained the Best of friends and that ran off just about every girl friend I've had over the years. Carol finally met someone in November of 2003 and that's when I realized I had lost her to another man.We talked about my feelings and she told me thats how she felt everytime I'd find a new girl friend.During this same time I had fell in Love with Susan but she knew my heart was to Carol from the way I always talked about her and how good of friends we still were. I told Carol in January of 2004 that I wanted to marry Susan and asked her and Angela if they was OK with it.Her reply was Bill had asked her to marry him and she said yes. So I planned a trip to Alabama to propose to Susan then a couple of days before I was to fly there she told me not to come and I was heart broke once again. Carol new I was still in Love with her(Carol) and so did Bill as me and Bill had a few words over my feelings for her but out of respect for the two of them I decided to back off and quit telling her how I felt. Besides Carol seemed so Happy with him and I really liked the man I could tell they were truly in Love! I just couldn't do anything to break them apart intentionally because they were in Love and it was "A New Love" for the both of them but me and Carol remained good friends and we'd talk about whatever bothered us.Carol is a big part of my life and I will never let her or our daughter forget that! We practically raised each other from young teenagers to mature adults in a way. Right now Carol is in the hospital in ICU and I feel so helpless looking at her unconsious body fighting to stay alive.Today is Sunday September 19th 2004 and yesterday I had to tell Our seven year old daughter the truth that her Mommy may not be with us much longer. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. My daughter and her Mom are the closest I've ever seen a Mother daughter relationship. Carol plays with her constantly and is just a kid at heart. I couldn't of asked for a better Mother for my child and I always thanked God for that! I cry everytime I go up to see her and everytime someone ask how she is doing. I cried most of the time I was writing this but it was something that I had to do because there is nothing else I can do for her except pray for her.
Our Heavenly Father I ask you to please let Carol live and regain her health so our child will not be Motherless and I can keep my best friend. We have not done all that we should have in each others Lives and Carols time can't be up! Father I pray that you answer this prayer for me and my Family. In the name of your Son Jesus Christ I Pray to You
Amen.
Please everyone I need your help getting her well again they say there is power in multiple prayers please prove to me that is the truth. I need you praying for her your prayers are bound to help. Thank you each and everyone of you that reads this and takes a few moments of your Lives to help my best friend with a prayer.God Bless all of us as we may need a miracle here. Again Thank You! Sincerely,Ron.

UPDATE 10/08/04.....Carol has woke up from her coma but can not speak or move any limbs. She can however see and hear so keep the prayers coming in as they do seem to be working here!What's sad is Carol turned 45 on September 27th and her eyes were open when I got there. I took her a plant and read her the card I brought her and a tear went rolling down her cheek. Apparently she hears what is going on around her but can not respond to anything other than trying to cry letting us know that she hears us!God I feel so helpless and sad when I visit her... Here's a hell of a note! Her parents stole my daughter from me and told the court I was an "Unfit Father" which after thousands of dollars and a court hearing I proved them wrong! I also learned that Carol spent .00 for her own engagement ring and that left me wondering what kind of sorry SOB would have a woman buy her own engagement ring! I don't know but it just doesn't sit right with me that a man could be that low on the totem pole to let a woman pay for her own engagement ring! May be I am just too old fashioned because I still think the man should buy the engagement ring! Well that's it for an update and my gripes. I want to say "THANK YOU ALL" once again for alll the prayers you have sent! Sincerely,Ron>

UPDATE....10/13/04 Angela and I went up to see Carol tonight and she has some movement in her legs and some in her hands! Angela made her laugh by blowing spit bubbles and making faces! I was so Proud of Angela for raising Carol's Spirits and making her laugh! Carol can not talk but she sure can giggle and Smile when she's Happy! Her mind seems to be there but most of the time she seems sad which is understandable! I know she is frustrated with what's happened to her but as I told her we are working on Gods time here and if one day for him equals a thousand of our years I figured if He just spends a few minutes of his time with her it should be a year to us! So I ask all who visits to please keep her in your prayers as they do seem to be working! I want to thank each and everyone of you for all the support you have given us!Everyone have a Blessed day and don't forget to be Thankful for the Loved Ones you have in your life each and everyday as we never know when or where tragedy may strike! God Bless you all! Sincerley,Ron :)

UPDATE 12/12/04.....Carol has been home from the hospital for almost a month now and all I can say is WOW the power of prayer works! She has astonished the doctors by not having any brain damage and has been feeding herself now ever since she's gotten home! She walks with a walker and still has uncordinated movement and is difficult to understand but that didn't stop her from walking down the aisle to get married a couple of weeks ago. All in all she is way ahead of recovery for someone that was only given a 5% chance to survive a couple of months ago! I wish her and her new husaband the best of luck in their new lives as I told God that if He would help her live I'd let him have her if that's who she wanted to be with. Carol seems so much happier with him in her life that I truly hope he treats her the way she needs to be treated and keeps her happy!....As for myself I am still looking for Mrs. Right to come along or for Susan to come back.....LOL ;) Anyways looking for a date these days seems more like I'm interviewing someone for a job because now I have Angela full time and she is my primary concern when it comes to people entering my life! I want to Thank Each and Everyone of You for the letters and prayers you have given this Family and wish each and everyone a Merry Christmas and a Safe and Happy New Year! May you have a Wonderful day today and all the days ahead as I know I will be!Sincerely,Ron:) UPDATE 4/24/05....Carol is about the same as she has been with the exception she has lost the hearing in both ears due to the tube in the right ear falling out that they replaced and the one in the left ear has gotten clogged up! The Doctor is argueing with us over a $260.00 payment he wants before he will go in and fix them! Some Doctor he is I always thought the patience welfare came first in the practice of medicine but this just goes to show us just how much he really cares!Carol still is not walking very good and needs the help of a walker to walk and she still hasn't improved much on her speach either...
It's funny how me and her husband has become such good friends these past few months. I am sorry that I have ever said anything bad about him as he is a pretty nice guy and treats my daughter very well! I hope Everybody has a Wonderful day as we will be and remember to tell your Loved ones what they mean to you often because as we found out tragedy can strike anyone at anytime on anyday!God Bless Us All! Sincerely,Ron:)

UPDATE 6/14/2005.... There has been some improvement with Carol's speech and she did get the tubes replaced in her ears so now she can hear again! Her husband got the truck back that I they lost and has resold it again. May be some day his dream of becoming an owner operator will come true! In the mean time he has gone back to trucking for a good company and Carol has been staying by herself with various people checking on her through out the day. Everyone don't forget to be Thankful for what you have in your Life because as we all should know by now Our Families can be turned upside down at any time and the attitude "this can't happen to me" just doesn't cut it in the "REAL" world! Everyone Have a Blessed Day and may God Bless Us All! Sincerely,Ron:)

UPDATE 7/05/2005 Carol seems to have her good days and her bad days! On her good days her speech is easier to understand than on the bad ones. Last week we had a thunderstorm come thru and evidently lightning struck someplace close to Carols house and knocked out the airconditioner, a telephone and caused a gas line to rupture and catch fire under the house she was lucky because the fire burned all night and day without catching the house on fire before I was called over there to check to see why her floor in her bedroom doorway was to hot to step on! The house was about to catch fire within the next hour or so according to the firemen that came out so she was real Lucky and we thank God for that!.... I hope like hell the bad luck our family has been having is about to end soon I just want everyone to realize that these things do happen in ordinary peoples lives and to remember to Cherish and be Thankful for what you have in yours because things can be taken from you in an instance! God Bless Us All! Sincerely,Ron:)

UPDATE 04/17/2010 Carol got fed up living in the city so she moved out to the country which is quite a ways away from us! I really whish she hadn't of done that because Angela doesn't get to see her as often as she should! Carol's speech hasn't improved much because she refuses to get any therapy! I know that's why she moved out there. She was getting so frustrated whith people telling her to repeat everything all the time. Now she just sits out there by herself most of the time while bill is out on the road. We hardly ever hear from her unless we fill the car up and drive out to see her which takes a full tank round trip so that's not too often! I know that She misses Angela and vise versa! Everyone have a great day,year,years... no telling how long it will take me to update the site again as it's just not fun when you have no one to write poetry to! Sincerely, Ronnie ;)

 "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE"

All my drug use and insecurities,
Has ruined something I had going for me!
I never meant to let you down!
I never meant to make you frown!

I want you in my life more than anything!
But I messed up, now I can see!
Can you ever forgive me for what I did?
The Love I feel for you is not that of a kid!

So many things I want to say to you!
But I am so afraid you'll say we're through!
Afraid of rejection and dreams that I had!
I want you to be part of my dreams so bad!

I never once meant to hurt you in anyway!
If I could change what I did I would anyday!
Unconditional Love you had for me!
Why couldn't I open my eyes to see?

I want you to be part of my life!
Forever and ever I thought you'd be my wife!
But I have let you down in so many ways!
So I don't blame you if you don't want to stay!

Please let me know how you feel!
Because it's my soul I let you steal!
Unconditional Love I have for you!
Don't turn your back and say we're through!

I need you back in my life in so many ways!
Even though you turned your back during my darkest days!
I'm sorry for my insecurities and faults!
I'm sorry for keeping my feelings locked up in a personal vault!

Today you mean so much to me!
So much more than I imagined it could be!
I had given up on myself in my life time!
And to have acted that way with you it was a crime!

Now I want to be there for you through thick and thin!
Now I want to give you the Love you could never imagine!
I want to be the one to tell you the things you need to hear!
I want to be the one to hold you near and dear!

Please understand I never meant to hurt you!
That was the last thing I ever wanted to do!
Please forgive me for my ignorant actions!
I know my Love for you is more than just an attraction!

My mind was not thinking the way it should have been!
I hope you haven't closed the door on me and you'll let me back in!
Thank you Carol for the years you have given me!
If you'd have me back, things would be better you'd see!
Ron D. Marcus 6/13/00



"JUST WONDERING"
Wondering what to do with my shattered life?
Wondering who to turn to now?
Who will help me mend my broken heart?

I know, the one I've Loved for so long,
for so many reasons
the one I've shared my hopes and dreams with,
the one that I had promised my hand in marrige to
I shall turn to her, for she Loves me the most!

But she is not here anymore!
I couldn't share the feelings that she had for me
so now I must live without her!

Now I have no shoulder to cry on
so I must soak my pillows with my tears!
An no arms to hold me close
and make my pain go away
so I must lie here lonely and let the pain sink in!
No loving smile to let me know tomorrow will be better
so I must live in fear for what the new day brings
and hope and pray as I shiver
that someday soon she will come back to me!
Ron D. Marcus 2/17/2000



"WE LOST EACH OTHER"
I don't know how we ever got to this point!
But I wish we could go back to how it used to be!
Somewhere along the way I lost you and you lost me!
If I could change how things are I would!
Because you are the only one that makes my life whole!
Now my heart is empty and so is my soul!
I feel I've lost my heart when I lost you you know!
I'm left here wondering if you ever think about us!
And if you'd ever want us back the way we used to be!
Before I lost you and then you lost me!
It's always so sad when things get in the way!
Of two hearts seeking Love and someway to care!
I never meant to hurt you or make you feel all alone!
I Love you still and that  I will swear!
And I wish you were here at home!
If you ever wake to find that you miss me one day,
Don't be afraid to let me know cause you'll see
That I still would Love you, but in a better way!
Before I lost you....and you lost me!
Ron D. Marcus 2/20/2000



"I HURT DAMN IT I HURT"
To know that I once had you,
And then lost you!
Is one of the most horrible feelings
That I've ever known!

People say Its better to have Loved and lost,
Than to have never Loved at all
All I can say to this is,
What idiocy!

Now I am alone again!
My Love now denied,
Deep inside I thought it'd never end!
Yet reality seems to set in!

My heart is broken in two
I forget what life was like
Before I had ever  met you!
And now I suddenly have to remember,
How to live without you in my life!
For you are no longer my wife!
Only this one time
I had you,
And then  I lost you!
Life no longer seems worth living!

I feel numb as I hear you say the words,
"I don't Love You any more"
The words that felt like a knife
Piercing my skin,
Going right through my heart,
Killing me over and over again!

Hate and anger now consume me!
Because the gap that you left inside my chest!
I just can't face the world any longer
Without you by my side!

Because I had you!
I had you!
And then I lost you!
And now your gone!
Damn it Carol I Loved You
More than Life itself!
Why were you not there
When I needed you the most?
I would have never abandoned you
In a time of need!
So why did you have to abandon me?
Ron D. Marcus 2/27/2000

 



"MY BEAUTIFUL,PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL"
Our lives together made me a Father
of a Beautiful and Precious little girl!
Her hands would reach for Daddy
and become my little world!
You know, I watched from a distance
as your lives would grow and blossom
to become the best of friends...
You see, I may not have as much time
with her as I'd like.
But I am her Father
to Love her till the end.
I'll watch her grow up
as a Loving Father should do.
A special bond between us
that connects so very few.
The time came all too quickly
for you to move on.
I pray to GOD for guidance
that He makes it a Caring, Loving home.
Carol, so many trials await
when you step out into this new world.
But I have faith that GOD will bless
you, her Mother and my Beautiful,
Precious little girl.
And even though you are
no longer here with me
my little girl is still
a part of my everything
that makes us a family...
You see time passes by so quickly
when you think it can be spared.
So don't take being a family for granted
some day it won't be there!
And, this I know with all my heart and soul
as I Love her like no other!
I'm not refering to you, her Mother
but to my Beautiful,Precious litle girl!
Dedicated to Carol and My Pecious Daughter Angela!
But you know that I Love You too!
1/24/04 Love Daddy


"I MISS YOU!"

"I MISS YOU!"
You have no idea,
How much I miss you!
How badly, I want to kiss you!
I woke up in my bed,
And you weren't there!
I guess I had awakened from a dream,
I lay still staring at the air.
I remember falling asleep,
As I gazed into your eyes!
When I awoke
What a horrible surprise.
Tried to wake myself up,
From this dream.
That's all it seemed to be,
But it wasn't what I wanted to believe!
I don't remember how long I laid there,
But time went by so slow!
In my dream I held you,
Never ever thought of letting you go!
I listened to our melody,
When I got out of bed!
Your soft and sensuous voice,
Echoing through my head!
As I looked around the room
You were nowhere to be found!
That's when I realized,
I still wanted to be your Groom!


 



When I lost you I knew that my world was coming to an end. I felt the walls of the house in my heart come crashing down. My heart is now exposed to the cold weather of this world. When I lost you I knew that there would be no other to take your place. I knew that know one else could fill the void, the deep black hole that is now in my heart. When I was lost youI knew that I would never feel as whole as I did when I was with you. I knew that I would be alone, though I am surrounded by so many people who Love me. When I lost you I knew that I would feel dead. I knew that I would have something die on the inside of me. When I lost you I knew that I could never Love anyone like I did you. I knew that I could not let myself. When I lost you I knew that the world and all of its contents would look different to me. I knew that I could not see with the same eyes as when I was with you. When I lost you I knew that everything that was happy would be sad. I knew that that the sun, and moon would rise, but not in a way that would make me happy. When I lost you I knew that the world was not a happy place, but a cold and dark one. I knew that the sun in my heart would not rise again and shed light on the world. When I lost you I knew deep down I would live but I did not want to live without you. I knew that I would have to go on with my life, but alone. When I lost you I wished that it was only a dream, but now I awake alone and realize that it is a reality. I knew that it was real but did not want to believe it. When I lost you, I tried to restore the Love that was once there, but to no avail. I knew that my heart would break. What I did not know was that it would stay this way day after day! Ron D. Marcus 3/2/2000


This next one is actually a rewrite of one of my favorite songs by Elton John! Elton I hope you don't mind me borrowing some of your lyrics! I don't think Carol has ever seen this one either. I just hope she stays around to read it or let me sing it to her!

Carol is travelling tonight on a plane
I can see the red tail lights and I'm going insane
Oh and I can see Carol waving goodbye
God it looks like Carol, must be the tears in my eyes

They say being insane is sanity though I've never been
Well Carol says it's the best place that she's ever seen
Oh and she should know, she's been there enough
Lord I miss Carol, oh I miss her so much

Carol you were my Lover, you are older than me
Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won't heal
Your eyes have dried even though you know mine still cry
Carol you're a star in the face of the sky

Carol is traveling tonight on a plane
I can see the red tail lights and I'm going insane
Oh and I can see Carol waving goodbye
God it looks like Carol, must be the tears in my eyes
8/20/04 Ron D.  Marcus

 
   
 

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